Senseless Page 2

  ‘Beth, I understand, love, but Becky needs a partner and I thought you were here to support her?’

  ‘No … yes , but only for communication.’ Beth was fuming internally but stuck for words. Tailing off, there was a silence so she tried again. ‘I’m not sure the CSW should be doing any of the other stuff either but it’s a tricky situation.’ She fought to keep her voice calm.

  ‘Yes, okay Beth, Becky can work in a three today.’ A slightly harder edge had crept in to Gail’s voice , as if Beth was being unreasonable and they’d talk about this later .

  At break time, Beth went to the canteen and got a coffee out of the machine. She’d picked a table in the corner where she could get a few minutes ’ quiet to herself. There was clattering from the kitchens where the catering students were preparing lunch. In just over an hour’s time, there’d be huge metal trays of overcooked pasta shells in tomato gloop , and jacket potatoes and grated cheese served with a bit of iceberg lettuce and some sliced , tasteless tomato.

  Gail came in and Beth fished her phone from her bag in order to look busy. Despite this, Gail b r ought her coffee over to the table . Beth sighed inwardly.

  ‘You alright , Beth?’

  That hadn’t been what Beth was expecting. ‘Yeah, all the better for a coffee.’ She tried to smile.

  ‘I know what you mean, what would we do without caffeine?’ Gail smiled too , but she had a concerned look on her face. Beth wasn’t sure if this was better or worse than a misinformed lecture about supporting the deaf students.

  Silence fell. Gail broke it, saying conversationally, ‘After lunch, we’re watching a video about waxing and hygiene so can you sign that for Becky?’

  ‘Is it subtitled?’

  ‘No, you’ll need to sign it.’

  ‘Does it have a transcript?’

  ‘No, it’s old. It lasts about twenty-five minutes.’

  ‘Twenty-five?!’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘It would be a lot better if I had known and been able to watch it beforehand.’ Beth’s voice was strained. She signed to level 3 ; a fully qualified interpreter would have level 6 and would still want to familiarise themselves with the video before signing it to anyone. ‘Becky is going to miss out on some of it. Not only because I haven’t had any preparation to make sure Becky and I understand jargon signs, but because it is very difficult for a deaf person to watch a TV screen and an interpreter at the same time. You can’t have eyes looking in two places at once.’

  Beth was so tired of this. How many times did she have to remind them? Signing B ritish Sign Language was not just gesturing and repeating what you heard. It was translating from English to another language.

  ‘If you don’t want to do it, Becky will miss out completely.’

  Oh fuck off Gail , Beth thought, ‘Yes, I KNOW that , but she will miss out anyway.’

  ‘Well , Gemma doesn’t usually mind doing it.’

  It was all Beth could do not to explode with frustration. Bloody Gemma just signing whatever they asked only added to the problem, making the tutors think it was okay to work like this. Gemma had once told her , in her bloody little sing-song voice , that it was okay to miss some information, that some signing was better than no signing at all. She made it sound as if deaf students didn’t have any rights to fair and equal learning.

  ‘Excuse me, Gail.’ Beth couldn’t handle this any more, and push ed back her chair too quickly , knocking the table so that Gail’s coffee sloshed over the sides of her cup . ‘I just need to get something from my car.’

  Half – running outside , she took a few gulps of air, fishing for the painkillers in her bag. She was so bloody angry, and she still , somehow , had to get through the rest of the day. She hated this fury that kept rising in her , and tried to take deep, slow, calming breaths like her therapist had taught her. If she could only get through today then at least she had this evening to look forward to.

  Chapter 3

  1991

  ‘You’re wearing my walking socks!’ Beth punched her brother.

  ‘I am not, they’d be far too tiny. Mine are the same colour is all.’

  ‘Where are mine then?’

  ‘I don’t know , Miss Bethany , but I will find them for you.’

  Tom started scouting round the house, and she knew he would find them because it seemed he could do everything he set his mind to.

  In a couple of days ’ time, he would be going away to university and she felt so sad. The house would feel empty without him.

  They’d always gone on a good family ramble on Sunday mornings before coming home in plenty of time for D ad to make a Sunday roast while M um put her feet up. Today would be no different.

  Her dad walked in with his compass and a map in a clear wallet hanging round his neck : he loved the nerdy planning. Beth was more like her mum , and would just get out of a car and head down a track to see where it went , but D ad always had to have an intricate plan.

  ‘Are you ready , treasure?’ he asked, giving her a hug.

  ‘As soon as Tom finds my socks.’

  ‘What are you going to do without him? Walk in bare feet? Honest to God , that boy has been your protector from the moment you were born. He used to give you all his toys and toddle about watching Mum change you r nappies.’

  Just to emphasise his indispensability, Tom came back and wav ed a pair of socks over Beth’s face , pulling them away just as she reached for them.

  ‘Say thank you , ma’am!’

  *

  When they’d all climbed out of the car and squeezed through the stile, Mum and Dad walked ahead at a vigorous pace and Beth and Tom followed in their wake, huddled close against the wind.

  ‘This might be our last ever family walk , ’ Beth lamented.

  ‘No way, uni holidays are long , you know , and I’m not missing out on all the fun.’ He pulled his coat around himself and hobbled crookedly.

  Beth laughed, ‘It IS fun though.’

  ‘Yeah it is,’ he said, throwing an arm round her shoulders. They paused to take it in. All they could see were fields and hills being grazed by ragged – looking sheep.

  ‘Dad said you used to help M um change my nappies , ’ Beth added.

  ‘Of course I did, anything for you , Princess Girl . ’ He saw Beth’s face, and added, ‘Don’t worry, I can’t remember any of it so your dignity is intact. Hey anyway, are you ready for Tuesday?’

  ‘What’s happening on Tuesday?’ Beth asked innocently.

  Tom looked at her with a smile . ‘You are winning a piano competition, Mozart . ’

  ‘Ah yes, that, I had forgotten . ’

  Tom gave her a playful thump , ‘Yeah right! She who has been practi s ing every hour of the day for the last month.’

  ‘Lucky you will be here for it.’

  ‘Wouldn’t miss it for anything. Mind you, I don’t need to be here for it, I have heard you play the tune eight hundred and seventy – two times already.’

  ‘Which did you like best?’

  ‘I thought the six hundredth and third time was the most resonant.’

  ‘Right, I ’ ll replicate that.’

  Mum and D ad had stopped to let them catch up.

  ‘What are you two plotting so earnestly?’ M um shouted over the wind.

  ‘Only talking about Beth’s moment of stardom on Tuesday.’

  ‘What’s happening on Tuesday?’ said M um. Tom and Beth cracked up in unison.

  ‘God, you are two peas in a pod , ’ Tom wheezed, pulling Beth and his mum into a bear hug .

  ‘What?’

  ‘Beth made exactly the same wisecrack.’

  ‘What is happening on Tuesday though?’ D ad piped in.

  ‘Da-ad!’

  ‘I should know, M um reminds me every day . We have a plan too , you know?’

  ‘What kind of plan?’

  ‘Well, not only are you being Mozart but I believe this little man here,’ he gestured to Tom , who pulled a cutesy face, ‘is o
ff somewhere on Wednesday.’

  ‘But we won’t miss him,’ Mum quipped.

  ‘Of course we won’t miss him , ’ Beth said , taking his arm . ‘What are you planning?’

  ‘Something good but if I tell you, I’d have to kill you.’

  ‘Pfft, lead on then – or is it time for our Mars Bars yet?’

  ‘No, it is not time for our energy – restoring Mars Bars – we’ve walked across two fields!’

  Beth sighed and shook her head although she felt very happy, aware of having the best family ever.

  Chapter 4

  Sam, 2007

  Sam Owens was sitting at his kitchen table, trying to talk to Kim while feeding Ollie. Unfortunately, Ollie had other ideas and seemed intent on making as much noise as possible by banging his flat hands on the table of his high chair.

  ‘Oh, stop it , Ollie!’ Kim turned to face her son, ‘Just shut up for once and eat your food!’

  She bent to lift his hands away from the table and Ollie seized the opportunity to grab a strand of her long dark hair. Sam knew that Kim had just spent at least half an hour washing, straightening and styling it.

  ‘Ollie , get off! Sam, can’t you control him for one second?’

  ‘What?!’ Sam tried not to shout ; he was fed up with Kim’s seeming inability to understand that a baby is a baby. Babies puke, shit and wail in equal measures.

  Of course, Ollie started to wail now as Kim prised his hands from her hair and ran to the tap to wash out the baby food mush he’d left there.

  Sam lifted Ollie from his seat and sat him on his lap , b ouncing him up and down and letting him play with the straps of his hoodie.

  When Ollie grew quieter, Sam gave him a rattle from the table to play with. He took advantage of the lull and said :

  ‘I’m getting the results of my tests today. The GP wants me to go in and see him.’

  ‘What tests?’

  ‘The ones I told you about.’

  She looked at him blankly.

  ‘Kim! The tests I had after I’d seen the doctor about the tingly feelings in my hands and feet.’

  ‘Oh that!’ she said dismissively, ‘Couldn’t he just give you some pills?’

  ‘He said he could but he wanted to give me some tests first. We talked about this, Kim!’

  She didn’t seem to register or react, still focused on combing out her hair with her fingers.

  ‘I’m getting really tired and it’s affecting my job , ’ Sam pushed.

  ‘We all get tired!’

  ‘Yeah well, you have to be completely on top of your game to fight fires.’

  ‘I bet it’s because Ollie is keeping you awake.’

  ‘It’s more than that, it’s like I’m not functioning properly.’

  ‘Right.’

  ‘Are you even listening , Kim?’

  ‘Of course I am , ’ she said, rooting in her handbag for her lipstick. ‘You go to the GP and get some pills and you’ll be right as rain. Don’t forget to pick up my dress from the dry-cleaners , will you? I’ve got Pilates after I drop Ollie with his childminder.’

  ‘Kim! There’s more to life than picking up dresses from dry – cleaners.’

  ‘ Of course there is , but why do you need to become so dull?’

  ‘Dull?! Are we even speaking the same language?’

  ‘Ever since Ollie, you’ve been getting so dull , Sam. We never go out.’

  ‘It’s called being a parent! One day we all have to grow up.’

  Kim scoffed and picked up Ollie. Sam went silent and just looked at her in disbelief. Everything had been so different before Ollie came along. She was 22 and gorgeous when they got together and as a tall, strong , 28 – year – old firefighter, he had been exactly the action-hero sidekick she ’d wanted. If they made it out of bed, he’d notice how many people turned to look at them anywhere they went together.

  But now? Well, he didn’t know what was happening now.

  *

  He was left to wait thirty-five minutes before Dr Longford was ready to see him. It gave him time to wonder if he should be more worried than he was. In truth, he couldn’t get Kim , and the state of their relationship , out of his head .

  When his name was called, he had a sudden panic; was there a reason he’d been called in or was it just routine?

  He went along the corridor to clinic room number eight to find Dr Longford standing in the doorway to welcome him, his face giving nothing away.

  ‘Ah , Sam, hello. Sit down, sit down.’

  Sam waited while the doctor got his notes up on his computer and turned back to face him.

  ‘Look, sorry , Sam , but I’m going to have to rush. I’m also sorry I kept you waiting. There’s a meeting I need to get to by twelve so currently I have six minutes per patient if I’m going to make it.’

  Sam shifted in his seat, wishing this to be over already . He felt unbalanced by the doctor’s flustered spiel.

  ‘Okay , so, as you know, the results of your tests have come back.’ Dr Longford was starting to look uneasy and turned back to his computer screen, reluctant to meet Sam’s eye. Sam braced himself for the revelation that he was dying of cancer , with months left to live.

  ‘Go on,’ he forced out when the pause became too long.

  ‘Have you heard of m ultiple s clerosis , Sam?

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Right , well, I’m sorry , but the tests show that you have it.’

  ‘I have multiple sclerosis ?’

  ‘Yes.’

  Sam laughed a nervous adrenaline – fuelled laugh that choked him. He had to swallow several times, trying to stifle his absurd reaction with a cough. He felt the blood drain from his face.

  ‘You’re young and otherwise in good shape , Sam , and so it could be years before you feel any more symptoms. We’ll need to do some more tests but I ’m going to give you these…’

  He handed Sam a pile of leaflets and a book called ‘Living with MS’.

  ‘… and I will let you go home and give you some time to digest everything. Once you’ve read through this lot then come and see me again and I ’ ll try to answer any questions you might have. Okay?’

  Sam found himself saying, ‘Yes, okay, thank you , ’ and shaking the doctor’s hand.

  As they got to the door, Dr Longford put his hand on Sam’s shoulder , saying, ‘I know this is no consolation but you’ve been lucky . M any people go months or even years without getting a diagnosis. I had just had a patient who was finally diagnosed with MS earlier this year so when you presented with similar symptoms, I sent you for the tests right away.’

  ‘Thank you,’ Sam said again, feeling anything other than grateful. He began to walk out.

  ‘And Sam?’

  Sam stopped.

  ‘There is information there about support groups and people you can talk to . I strongly urge you to do that.’

  ‘Thank you,’ was the only word Sam could think of before he walked away in a surreal , numbed daze.

  Chapter 5

  Beth, Friday A fternoon

  The video was just as Beth had feared: too long, too fast-paced , and with a voice-over that describ ed the waxing process while helpful pictures flashed up , meaning that Becky needed to watch Beth’s signing and the video simultaneously. Beth had to decide when it was important to sign and when it was best to just let Becky watch the screen. Once the pictures were finished, s he sometimes found herself with great chunks of information to remember and then relay to Becky . She was so mentally exhausted by it all that she couldn’t really remember the rest of the day. There had been writing activities and a question and answer session but she couldn’t tell if any of her signing had made sense to Becky or if the girl was even engaged in the lesson. All she was thinking about was going home, taking a quick shower and then heading to the pub. Why was everything so unbearable?

  When the bell rang for the end of the day, Beth walked out of the classroom without even catching Becky’s eye. She almost ran to h
er car, jumped behind the wheel and drove away. She did get caught in traffic , but even sitting bumper to bumper beat spending one more minute in that shit- hole. On the radio was some panel show , whose presenters seemed to be competing to be the most moronic. She didn’t really care and left it on, preferring noise to silence.

  By the time she pulled up outside her house, her head was buzzing and she needed a drink very badly. The last thing she felt like now , though, was going out , and she was on the verge of cancelling her evening plans. She’d rather get a bottle out of the fridge, put on her pyjamas and curl up on the sofa in the safe seclusion of her home.

  Just as she was about to text to cancel, her phone rang. It was flashing Dad . It wasn’t Christmas or her birthday : why the hell would he call? He’d never been one to talk on the phone and only had a mobile because his now wife had insisted on it, so she could get hold of him when her then – husband was out for a few hours.

  ‘Dad?’

  ‘How did you know?’ His voice sounded jaded. There were banging noises that sounded like several pairs of running feet echoing in the background.

  ‘Your number’s in my phone, it tells … ’

  ‘Oh yes, they do that.’ And then in the same breath, he said, ‘Congratulations, you’ve got a sister.’ She could imagine him having rehearsed that line over and over until he braced himself to pick up the phone and dial her number.

  ‘You what?’

  ‘Vivien gave birth last night.’

  ‘You’ve had a baby?’

  ‘No , no, not me no, Vivien.’

  ‘Yes , but it’s yours , right?’

  ‘Yes, yes , course it is.’

  Beth fought to stay somewhere near calm. The ringing in her head was getting louder. ‘So she’s been pregnant for nine months and you somehow never got round to telling me? Oh I forgot, Christmas was nine and a half months ago and it’s not my birthday until next week.’